To Those Who Loose Their Father, and To Me and My Dad

Lately, my days have been filled with losses from my friends.
One of them losses her dad... and one other losses her brother.

Well, not that I've never lost someone so dear to me, but it has never been easy to ease someone who's just loose someone close to them. Never. I repeat.
I was always trying to find the perfect words to ease them... Is it "Be patience"? "Be strong"? "Stay strong"? But, as my thought says... "No words are enough to ease their feeling." Yes. "No words are strong enough to ease their feeling."

Indeed.

"No words can bring her father or her brother back." None.

It's always been so awkward for me to come at a funeral... Or just to after-funeral events. I can be strong for myself... But, seeing my friend cries -or even just- tries to look strong in front of me (while I know they're not) crushes my heart.

But. This song titled If You Will Have Me, by Kaiser Chiefs, has something really deep and thoughtful about feelings to our passed away families. Especially to father.

"I don't know if you'll hear this song,

And if you do you might not know...

That it's a tribute to the man who made our world go around.

I don't know if you'll hear this song,

But if you do you're not alone...

So dance while you can, and cry while you can.Let the world go around.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the son that I was.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the boy from the photograph.

I miss the daily phone call,

And I miss the good advice.

And my brother misses everything, he's just looking for you.

It's the longest of goodbyes.

So many lows and no real highs.

There seems so little we can do, we see glimpses of you.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the son that I was.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the boy from the photograph.

You can't fight life, so dance while you can.

You can't fight life, so just dance while you can.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the son that I was.

And if you will have me...

I want to be the boy from the photograph."

Now, I might not be a good daughter to my dad. Or even a dutiful daughter, whatsoever. I know exactly that I'm not a good daughter. Well, it's also for a reason. But, reasoning, -sometimes- doesn't solve a problem.

It's just... That lyric of Kaiser Chiefs does make me think of something... Something that, before this, has always been the opposite of now...                             And it's about my dad and my relationship with him.

"The man who made our world go around."

Frankly saying, my dad is not a man who makes my world go around. Not just that I always avoid to let him enter my world, he has never even try to understand the things going on my world. But I know, that there are people out there that have a dad that could make their worlds go around. And I always envy them. Well, things are really complicated. Not that I can't recognize my dad's 'habits'... It's just every blood cells of mine resist his existence. I know it might be called as a sin. Then I am a sinner. Not a proud one. But I acknowledge it.

"So dance while you can, and cry while you can.

               Let the world go around."

Yes, indeed. Life's still going on. Stay alive until you die. So dance while you can, and cry while you can... Let the world go around. It means to enjoy life while it lasts. To dance while you're happy. To cry while you're sad. Yes. Everyone has a right to feel whatever they want to feel. And to show it to everyone else. The past is the past. Now, live on.

   "And if you will have me...

I want to be the son that I was."

This is hard. I've always wanting my dad to go away. Pass away... Die... It's normal, I think, for a child to say bad things like that... Especially to someone close but does not worth -even just- a minute of you, and vice versa. But... If he die sooner... Half of me says that I'll be saying exactly the same thing to him... "If you will have me, dad... I want to be the daughter that I was." When I was just a kid... At least. But the other half of me denies that.

           "And if you will have me...

I want to be the boy from the photograph."

I agree to this one, though. I'm sure we can make up all the bad things we've been through if only I could be a kid once again. Yes. Our past was nice... I wonder who's changed.

 "I miss the daily phone call,

And I miss the good advice."

I don't know if I'll even miss him at all. It's frightening. I want to love my dad like any other children to their dads. I really do. I want to say "I miss you, dad..." "Thank you, dad..." "My dad is the best daddy ever" kind of thing... I really do. But I guess I don't know if that day will come or not.

"You can't fight life, so dance while you can."

Lastly, just let's dance while we can. What goes around, comes back around. Let's just live the life... And see what's happen next. We can't fight life. So dance while we can.

Good night / morning / afternoon / bye... To you...

:)

:)

are two years too long?       to make another post?
I guess not. :)

Here I come again...
                        Hopefully not to leave it for another two years... :)




"I know my place is here.
I won't stay away for too long."
                         - Kaiser Chiefs
                                     My Place is Here

when i remember

"When you're dreaming with A broken heart
      The waking up is the hardest part"
                          -John Mayer (Dreaming With A Broken Heart)

feel so lousy to say so, but that's sadly true...

since because of this song, I remember somebody.
somebody who like to make riddles,
somebody who has a really different way of thinking,
somebody whose mind is wider than anyone I ever known,
somebody whose always looked formal,
somebody whose very clingy,
somebody who use to love me (or kinda).
KASD

I'm sorry to remember your existence in my world.
I'm sorry to remember our pasts.
I'm sorry if you know, that I... am... missing. You.
You.
  Your riddles,
    Your words,
      Your smartness,
        Your difference,
          Your style,
            Your habits,
              Your confidence,
                Your intimidation,
                  Your anything... to me.

I am not so missing him, though... It's just a sudden feeling.
A sudden feeling to be loved.
To be loved by somebody else than me, myself, and my world.
I think I'm done with my world...

At least... I want somebody else in my world.
I know he can't. And he never did.
But in the next days, weeks, months, or years,
I want somebody who want to enter my world
Feel my world
Live in my world
Stay in my world
and Die in my world.

I'm not asking too much.
Like what he said years ago
       "To live in your world needs my whole energy...
    To live in your world means I've got to leave mine...
To live in your world is... the most challenging part in my life...
            It seems like I can't go to your world...
           But honesty, I'm too afraid to go there...
               It's too different, too dangerous.
                          Too much you..."

Don't try if you can't stand it...
and don't ask me to ask you to stand it.
I've never asked.
That's why I'm waiting.

Plans and Denials

Wake up at 9.30am X
Go to the train station X
Go to campus X
Re-print the letter X
Go to the Rektorat X
Go to the bank X

I musta been misinterpreted the quote:
            “Do what you love,

             Love what you do,

And deliver more than you promise”
                                                  -Harvey Mackay

Well, but, actually… I think I can (also) deny it… a little.
Because I do like being a lazy person, so I think…
I did what I like and I (of course) like what I did…
I spend my day doing nothing.
I sleep at daylight, I wake at night.
                I like it.

Though, I must say that the other things that I also like were…
                                                                           Left behind.

But some said that life is about choices, right?
                   So… for now…
Let’s just enjoy this nearly ended holiday, lazily.

Ah, not that lazy anyway…
I’m working on stuffs that I like…
         Only…
It moves really slowly.

Well… at last,
Stay in denial, and be what you want to be.

finally, i come.

"Dare I go,

Dare I stand...

I'm a seed of a man"

                                -The Vines (1969)

then, here I am...

confuse, lost, and feeling stupid.

maybe I need to buy 'Blogging for Dummies' (if there any)

but after all,

The dawn has come...

and therefore, I, need to sleep.

good morning, afternoon, and night.

have a nice dream...